Last weekend, while I was getting some really good family time with my sister, Mama and my Aunt Sarah, a moving truck came to my house and stole part of my heart. Well not really stole it . . .but it feels that way more than a little. My sister Ashley’s baby is getting our nursery set, I promised and I delivered. In the bottom of my heart I know that it belongs with her and my new nephew and I could not be more excited. So why is my heart still breaking almost a week later?
The very small, but still present, rational side of my brain, knows that Cooper had to move into a bigger room. It also knows that a crib, in my attic, is doing it absolutely no justice at all. I thought I would feel better once we painted his new room, or after I moved his books and trucks into his new bookshelf this afternoon. . .but I don’t feel better. I just had a good cry. Again.
So I decided to create Cooper’s baby box, which I did for Sadie when she was a year old, and I have been procrastinating doing with Cooper for an addition 20 months. Yes, all his baby stuff has been in his room for his entire life. Lock of hair. Check. Porcelain handprints. Check, Check. Teething toys. Still there. Pappy and Fuzz. . . ever-present. And it is as I type this blog that I realize it is not the loss of his nursery that is breaking my heart. It is realizing that this is the end of the “baby era” of my last little baby.
How could I be so far removed from my emotions? I am generally more than on top of them. Have I really been in denial of my little one’s age? Were his growing limbs, feet and hair not a sign to me? His ability to verbally communicate in way a mother wishes a baby could? Hello, WHERE ON EARTH HAVE I BEEN? And while I know that we will enjoy this stage of his life, just as I have enjoyed his sister’s change into her elementary years, I also realize that I will never again get the opportunity to smell my own childs “baby smells” and to be the sole interest in my baby’s life.
Coop’s is not a baby anymore, he is a solid toddler and I am going to morn that for a little longer. And after that, I am going to embrace this toddler stage and not complain any more. . .well until he goes to Kindergarten. In diapers.